“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Wishful thinking, right? We’ve all felt the sting of harsh words, the rush of anger, or the pang of envy. Our emotions often dictate our actions, leading us down paths of regret and discord. But what if we could change that?
In today’s world, automation is everywhere. Our phones autocorrect our texts, our cars can drive themselves, and even our lights turn on automatically. Yet, when it comes to our emotional responses, we’re often left on our own, reacting impulsively rather than thoughtfully. But what if we could automate our responses to people, particularly in our relationships, both near and far?
James, the brother of Jesus, offers us a roadmap in the New Testament, specifically in James 1:19-27 (NIV). He speaks to a community facing trials and temptations, emphasizing genuine obedience rooted in the transformative power of Christ. Let’s dig into a three-part framework inspired by James that can help us not only avoid conflict but also win hearts.
Quick to Listen
Being quick to listen means putting the other person first, even when you disagree with them. It’s about genuinely understanding their perspective. If you must speak, start with a question: “What do you mean by that?” or “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” Philosopher Martin Buber’s concept of moving from “I-It” to “I-Thou” relationships highlights the importance of truly engaging with others as unique individuals. Pete Scazzero echoes this, urging us to see each person as an inestimable treasure, an image-bearer of the living God.
Philippians 2:4 reinforces this idea: “Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” When we listen first, we honor the other person and create space for meaningful dialogue.
Slow to Speak
Being quick to speak can shut down dialogue and lead us to make assumptions. It’s often about controlling the narrative. But when we are slow to speak, we open ourselves to hearing someone else’s story. Psalm 141:3-4 warns us about the dangers of speaking impulsively.
Take, for example, a conversation I had with a friend recently. What was supposed to be a quick chat turned into a four-hour discussion, simply because we took the time to listen and respond thoughtfully. As Eugene Peterson suggests, while our opinions may not change the world, our daily opportunities for peacemaking, prayer, and love can implement the kingdom of God.
Slow to Get Angry
Proverbs 29:11 tells us, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” Anger often stems from selfishness and unmet expectations. It’s important to recognize that human anger and the righteousness of God are often at odds. James encourages us to embody and reflect God’s righteousness in our relationships by being slow to get angry.
Ephesians 4:26-27 adds, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” By controlling our anger, we can respond more appropriately and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Applying the Framework
There is a profound connection between how we respond to others and what Jesus has done in our souls. N.T. Wright reminds us that God works through His word, which has the power to transform our words and actions. James 1:21 urges us to get rid of all moral filth and humbly accept the word planted in us, which can save us.
To make this practical, spend time in the Word each day. James 1:22 calls us to be doers of the word, not just hearers.
The Gospel and Our Response
In our own strength, self-control seems impossible. Our sinful nature makes us prone to giving in to our emotions. But Jesus Christ, through His life, death, and resurrection, offers us redemption and transformation. By uniting with Him, His Spirit empowers us to face life’s challenges with resilience and grace.
As we conclude, let’s reflect on how we can use our words to heal rather than hurt. Jesus used His words to heal, even praying for forgiveness for those who crucified Him. Let’s follow His example and use our words to build up and bring peace.
May our responses reflect the love and grace of Christ in all our relationships.